Thinking Makes it So
by detective-sweetheart
Summary: Felton kept telling me not to think about dying," he says. "Guess he thought it'd actually happen if I did."
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I don't own H:LOTS. This was originally supposed to be a one-shot thinger, but the muse refused to be silenced, so I really hope it didn't end up too badly. Anyway...**

* * *

She isn't surprised when Munch is the first one to notice her standing there, in the squad room doorway like she owns the place, when, in all honesty, she has been away from Homicide for so long that it almost hurts to be back. 

"The prodigal daughter returns," he says, and there is something in his voice that Kay knows isn't ever there unless something's gone horribly wrong, and the rumors spread so fast that she already knows something is. 

"What the hell happened, John?" 

She doesn't want to know, really. What she wants is to be able to close her eyes and have this go away and all have been a _really_ bad dream. But what she's thinking is that it better not be what she _thinks_ it is, what she _heard_ it is, and if it is, then _please_ God don't let her lose anyone else. 

"Car accident," Munch says, quietly, knowing at once what she means. "He wasn't driving."

Somehow this makes it worse. And somehow, it would have made more sense if Meldrick _had_ been driving, because at least then, there might have been some semblance of his having control of the situation, but no. She has driven with Meldrick before and knows he's awful at it, but the fact that he wasn't driving this time throws her for a loop.

The room spins. Kay grabs the edge of Munch's desk, wondering when she got close enough to do so, and closes her eyes. 

"Kay, are you all right?" She can barely hear Munch's voice, and even then, it's in the back of her mind, rather than in the front, where it _should_ be, and so she shakes her head. 

"No," she replies, and isn't surprised to find that she's close to tears.

* * *

They go to the ER, even though technically, Munch is supposed to stay in the squad room, or at least that's what he managed to get out of what little Gee said before he'd taken off for the scene. 

"You know, I could've just gone on my own, John," Kay says, "You're gonna hear it if Gee gets back before you."

"Ballard's supposedly going to cover for me," Munch replies. "Either that, or she just told me she would to get me to leave her alone."

Kay shakes her head at him. "You're not funny," she tells him. "The last thing he needs is more chaos." 

"I suppose your experience as a sergeant has taught you that," says Munch, then, looking at her over his glasses, and the move is so familiar that she almost laughs, and would have, if not for the circumstances. 

"Anyone in a command position could tell you that," she says, somewhat dismissively. "It's bad enough when someone gets hurt, but then when people start disobeying orders…"

"Gee never actually said specifically that I had to stay in the squad room, and in any case, I should think he'd make an exception considering it's you that I'm hauling around."

Kay rolls her eyes. "Nice, Munch," she says. "Using me as an excuse to get out of trouble, yet again." 

"Hey, I've never actually used you as an excuse to get out of trouble, thanks," says Munch, pretending to be hurt by this. "Besides, you know as well as I do that you were probably the first person Gee was gonna call once it occurred to him." 

This is probably more than likely, Kay thinks, and turns to stare out the window, trying not to think about the night she and Meldrick spent together, sprawled out across her bed, because it's the same night he told her that there wasn't really anyone left but her, and asked her if anything happened, would she be there?

* * *

She'd told him yes, which is why she goes tumbling out of the car in front of the hospital before Munch actually comes to a stop, which he gives her a look for, but doesn't say anything, choosing instead to go find someplace to park. 

Gee is the first person that Kay actually _really_ sees when she enters the waiting room, and he gets to his feet and walks over to her. 

"Sergeant Howard," he says, because he can't really call her 'Kay' in this kind of situation, because technically, she's not _really_ supposed to have a relationship with Meldrick, and he's not _really_ supposed to know about it, but he does. "I was just about to call you." 

"Department grapevine's faster," Kay replies, her voice shaking just enough for her to notice. "How is he?"

Gee looks away, and she feels the sinking feeling that she felt earlier when she first heard the rumors about "one of those Homicide idiots" getting into a wreck. 

"He's alive, we know that much," he says, finally. "Closed head injury; they've got him on the table to relieve the pressure inside his head." 

A muffled sob escapes Kay at this, because she starts to think of how hard Meldrick's head had to have hit the windshield for something like that to happen, and she doesn't _want_ to think about it, but the thoughts won't go away. 

The next thing she knows, Munch is there, and his arms are around her, so she turns, and hides her face in his shoulder, because it's all she _can_ do.

* * *

"You want coffee?"

Since they got there, Kay hasn't moved from where she finally sat after somehow managing to pull herself together again. Munch, on the other hand, has been back and forth to the squad room at least three different times, the last time being when he took Gee along, so their lieutenant could run things from there. 

"I'm fine," she tells him, even though she isn't. "Thanks, though." 

"You are not 'fine'," says Munch, coming to finally sit down beside her. "You can't think about it like I know you are, Kay." 

"I can't help it," she says, the words coming out more harshly than she means them to. "Damn it, John, if I _don't_ think about this like a cop…"

"I know what you mean," Munch tells her, cutting her off gently, "But you can't do that, because if you do, it'll mean you're ready to accept the fact that he might not make it." 

"He's going to make it, damn it. He doesn't have a fucking _choice, _and I _swear_ if he leaves me now…"

She cuts herself off this time, and looks away. "What if he does?" she asks, letting the bravado slip away for a few seconds. "What if this is really it?" 

Munch shakes his head at her. "It's not it," he says, firmly, "Meldrick's too damn stubborn to die." 

* * *

Kellerman shows up as night starts to fall over the Baltimore streets. He sees Kay before he sees Munch and walks over to her, hugging her tightly for a brief moment before letting go. 

"I just heard," he says quietly. "I'd have been here sooner otherwise, but…My God, I just…" 

"He wasn't driving," Munch tells him, before Kay can say anything. "We don't know too much about what happened." 

"But it was a car wreck," says Kellerman, and swears under his breath. "Damn it, I swear this city…every _freaking_ day…" 

"There's a reason why Baltimore is the city that bleeds," Kay says, shortly. "We could lose everyone in this place, and it still wouldn't be enough."

She is tired, now, and irritable, and she knows that she probably should have taken Munch up on his offer to get her coffee, but she doesn't really think she'd be able to hold anything down. She tries to remember when the last time she felt like this is, and realizes that she really can't, because she hasn't, ever, and it almost scares her. 

"It's so damn cold in here…" she says, more to herself than the other two, but they notice, anyway, and the next thing she knows, Kellerman's putting his coat over her shoulders. 

"Thanks," she says, and he nods, briefly, coming to sit. 

"He's going to make it," he tells her. "He's gotta make it." 

* * *

Both men are asleep when news finally comes, and Kay actually has to push herself up out of the seat when the doctor finally comes out to ask which one of them is Sergeant Howard. 

"I am," she replies, her voice shaking again. "What can you tell me?"

"Detective Lewis made it through surgery," comes the reply. "He's still under heavy sedation, and will be for a few days. Other than that, there are a few minor cuts and bruises, but he'll be fine." 

Relief spreads through her faster than the panic that had settled earlier, and she has no idea why this is, but she doesn't really care. 

"Can I see him?" she asks, not caring that she sounds anxious. The doctor gives her an appraising look and then nods. 

"He's in the Intensive Care Unit, and we'll probably keep him there for a few days before we move him to a normal recovery room. I'll take you to him." 

The doctor turns, then, and Kay glances back towards Munch and Kellerman. Both men are still sleeping, and she knows that they will know where she has gone if they wake up and she isn't there. 

Going down the hallway to where Meldrick is in the ICU is almost intimidating, even though a few years ago, Kay had found herself wandering these same halls, to go and see the other two who were shot in the apartment building stairwell with her. When they reach the room that he's in, she hesitates, somewhat, but not long enough that the doctor notices. 

Pushing the door open, she steps inside, and thinks vaguely that if anyone tries to pull the fifteen-minute time limit crap on her, they're gonna hear it.

* * *

But no one does. Fifteen minutes come and go, and Kay remains where she is, silent and unmoving, unlike when she was in the waiting room, where she had to say something to every cop that came through looking to find out what had happened. 

There is none of that here, though. Only the sound of machines beeping and making other noises that she doesn't recognize, and the sight of Meldrick with bandages around his head, looking for all the world like he's asleep, but she knows better. 

"Don't you dare die on me now," she tells him, "And I know you hear me. I been sitting in that waiting room too damn long for you to take off on me now." 

There is no answer, but she doesn't expect one. Despite this, she continues to talk to him, anyway. 

"I'm gonna sit here until you open your eyes again," she says. "I got the vacation days to do it, too, Meldrick, and you know I do. I'm not going anywhere." 

His hand is cold in between hers and she doesn't know why this is, because he's _alive_, for heaven's sake, and it's not _supposed_ to be cold like this, but it is, and not for the first time that day, she finds herself blinking back tears. 

"I keep my fingers crossed, you pull out of this, ok?" she says, quietly, almost desperately, wanting the answers that she still knows she isn't going to get. "I'll be here when you wake up." 


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: And part two, which is kinda strange, but it makes sense to me, and hopefully, it does to you, too. **

* * *

He can see Crosetti and Felton in the back of his mind, and he wonders how they got there, because the last thing he actually remembers is driving with Gee's son, and then...nothing. 

"You're in a medically-induced coma," Felton tells him, "And I swear to God if you die on her, Lewis, you're gonna know the real meaning of hell." 

"What the..." 

Meldrick realizes at this point that somehow, he can actually see what's going on in the hospital, and he doesn't really like the feeling. Kay is fast asleep in the chair beside the bed, her hair falling over a tear-stained face that he's seen before and didn't like it, then, either. 

"This isn't heaven, by the way," Crosetti remarks. "We haven't exactly figured out where we are yet, but it's somewhere." 

"Which is why we can see everything," says Felton, picking up where the other man left off, "And I mean it, Lewis. Don't even _think_ about dying." 

"Why would I..." Meldrick trails off and shakes his head. The situation is a little bit too strange, even for him, and he wonders how close to dying he actually is, for a brief moment, before Felton's hand meets the back of his head. 

"Didn't I just tell you not to think about that?" he asks, and Meldrick gives him a look. 

"The hell am I doing here, anyway, if I ain't dead?" he asks, in reply, and watches as Crosetti shrugs. 

"Don't know," he says, and then, "Like I said, we don't know where we are."

* * *

The feeling, strangely enough, isn't an unfamiliar one. Meldrick has been in situations before where he doesn't particularly know where he is, but then again, he wasn't actually stuck in between life and death when the feeling occurred. 

"You don't get it, do you?" Felton asks him, and he turns to look at the other man. 

"Get what?" he asks, and Felton sighs, leaning back against the desk that seems to have appeared out of nowhere. 

"You don't get why she puts up with you. Why she sticks around," he says. "Honestly, neither do I, 'cause you always were a right pain in the ass when you wanted to be, but I been watching you two." 

"You what?" Meldrick demands, unsure of whether he should be freaked out by this or not. Felton rolls his eyes. 

"Don't worry, I never saw anything I wasn't supposed to," he replies. "I meant in general. Like during the day, when you're both at work and whatnot. And I gotta tell you, you're probably right when you think you don't deserve her, but then, I'm just some dead guy, so I don't really have any say." 

"You're right, you don't. Where the hell are you going with this, Beau?" 

"Nowhere, but then, she wouldn't actually stick around if she didn't really give a damn one way or the other." 

"Yeah, well, who says I ever gave a damn about you? You sit on the shift, you're backed by everyone _on_ the shift. It's always worked that way." 

"Yeah, but...Howard ain't on the shift anymore."

* * *

"You know, Felton, somehow I doubt he got sent here so that we could confuse the hell out of him," says Crosetti, finally breaking into the conversation. "What's done is done." 

"So if I don't actually make it out of this mess, then what?" Meldrick asks. "I end up stuck here with the two of you for however long it takes whoever's upstairs to figure out where the hell we're going?" 

"I would think so, yes," Crosetti tells him, "We've both been here for a while. Every now and then, some table pops up and we sit around playing cards, 'cause there's nothing else to do, and there are always two empty chairs." 

"Pretty much what he's trying to say is that two other people are gonna die, but we're not exactly sure who they're gonna be. Could be you, could be Munch, hell, it could be Gee," says Felton. 

The thought of Gee dying is almost amusing, or at least it is, to Meldrick, because Gee has been Homicide and a cop in general for so damn long that it's hard to beleive anything could take him down. 

"Yeah, it's funny when you think about it now, but wait till it actually happens," Crosetti says, almost warningly, and Meldrick gives him a look.

"Will you two get the hell out of my head already?" he asks, annoyed. "I ain't going 'round here reading your thoughts, so stay away from mine." 

Felton smirks. "Why?" he asks in reply. "Trying to hide something?" 

Meldrick glares. "Ain't got nothing to hide, and even if I did, it wouldn't be any of your business. You're just some dead guy, remember?"

* * *

This is starting to get more confusing than it would have been if Felton and Crosetti had just kept their mouths shut. At least then he might have been able to figure things out on his own, but as for now...now, there's no way he'll be able to do it without them. He can still see the hospital room that he's in, and he can see a nurse entering the room and casting an almost annoyed look at Kay for being where she is. 

"I hate when they do that," he says. "Like you ain't supposed to be where you are, when they know damn well you got every right to be." 

"Beatrice got that look a lot, after I got shot," Crosetti remarks. "Guess it's their way of trying to make like they still have some control over the situation. Can't be easy having a bunch of cops go barrelling straight past you, demanding answers." 

"Suppose not," says Meldrick, and mulls this over for a moment before speaking again, this time to Felton. "Sometimes I wish she didn't care so much." 

"Yeah?" says Felton, looking at him with raised eyebrows. "Why's that?" 

Meldrick shrugs. "I don't know," he admits. "It ain't that I don't want her around, I do, but the squad she's with now...it ain't like Homicide. Sure, she's got the same risks I do; we're both still cops, but...still..." 

"It's probably because she's _not_ in Homicide anymore, and you can't keep an eye on her," says Crosetti, sounding amused by this. "You don't like the thought that maybe one day the same thing will happen to her, and you won't hear about it until it's too late." 

Somehow, the knowledge that his late partner can read him better than he can read himself at this point doesn't bother him. "I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if that happened," he admits. 

Felton gives a derisive snort. "What makes you think she'd be able to?"

* * *

No one answers this. The question isn't one that Meldrick has actually thought of, though now that the issue has actually been pressed, he realizes that it's something he should have thought of long before now. 

"You think she'll leave after this?" he asks, to neither Felton nor Crosetti in particular. "You think she'll finally get fed up enough with the way things are that she'll walk?" 

Felton shakes his head. "Nah," he says, "I think she needs you too much. More than she's ever going to admit, but look at her. In all the time you've known her, have you ever known her to react like she has so far to something like this?" 

"She did when you died," says Meldrick. "Sat in the aquarium, trying to figure out your paperwork and open cases and funeral plans and whatnot, and..." He trails off and shakes her head. "I still don't know why she sat in there, knowing everyone could see her, but she did. It was like she didn't care." 

"Yeah, well, she cried in front of Gee this time, if that tells you anything," says Crosetti. "If it doesn't, then I don't know what else to tell you, Meldrick." 

And he stares at his late partner, then, because the first time he actually saw Kay cry, it had just been the two of them in that damned aquarium, and this time, knowing that she cried in front of their commanding officer...He shakes his head, almost unwilling to believe it. 

"She did," says Felton, interpreting this move correctly, "Hard to believe, isn't it?" 

"All because of this...damn it." Meldrick glances back down at the hospital scene, glad to see that the nurse from moments before is gone, and continues. "I asked once if she'd be there if anything happened. I never actually thought anything would." 

"That's the problem with this job," says Felton, after a long moment of silence. "It has nothing to do with life, so when someone actually dies, usually, we're not surprised by it unless it's someone we know." 

"You really have been watching everyone, haven't you?" Meldrick asks.

"Call us your guardian angels that you don't know about," says Crosetti, shrugging. "It's like Kay said once. We can all leave Homicide whenever we want, but sooner or later, we all end up coming home." 

Home. The thought of the first shift as home was funny in the earlier years, back in the late 1980's, where they thought they couldn't stand each other and that they might actually have to kill each other if they had to stay in the same room any longer. Nowadays, it's not so funny, because it's more true than not.

* * *

"You aren't actually going to die, you know," Crosetti is saying, when Meldrick chooses to pay attention again. "We're not technically supposed to tell you this, but this isn't actually when you're meant to kick it." 

"There's a nice way to put it," Meldrick says dryly. "Now's not my time to die, so I'm stuck here in some kinda limbo with the likes of the two of you...and none of us have any idea how the hell it works." 

"Yeah, pretty much," says Felton, "We also figured out that time passes faster up here than it does down there, so by the time you actually manage to get rid of us, it'll have been about three days in real time." 

Meldrick shakes his head. "You two got too much damn time on your hands," he says. "How long you been stuck here, anyway?" 

"Ever since we died, technically," says Crosetti, "One minute we're in one place, the next, we're in another. Told you we didn't know how it really works. All we know is that we can see what's going on back home and that times moves faster here than it does there."

* * *

"So, what else do you know about how things are going to end up?" Meldrick asks finally, once he manages to get his head around the fact that somehow, they know everything, but he knows nothing and isn't likely to know anything unless they tell it to him. 

Felton and Crosetti exchange glances at this, both of them obviously unsure as to whether or not to answer him, but after a momenet, Felton speaks. 

"You're not gonna lose her, if that's what you're asking," he says. "She's going to stick around, and you two are gonna keep going through the department until they finally force you out, and even then, she's still gonna put up with you." 

"What about everyone else?" Meldrick asks, even though he knows it's a long shot, and sure enough, Crosetti shakes his head. 

"Can't tell you about everyone else," he says. "Like I said, we're not really supposed to tell you anything, but seeing as it's you..." 

"I don't want to hear it," says Meldrick, and then, "She really isn't going to leave?" 

"Lewis, if she wanted to leave you, she would've done it a long time ago," says Felton. "She's never gonna admit it, but you do her a lot more good than she thinks; I mean, you know her. She's the very one who'll tell you to your face to go to hell, that she doesn't need you when she knows she does." 

"You definitely got too much time on your hands, if you know that much," says Meldrick, wondering whether or not he should be annoyed or amused by this remark. "You know, I never thought I would end up with someone on the shift." 

"Yeah, well, Munch doesn't think the little one's going to end up with someone on the shift, either, but there you have it," Felton replies, a comment that earns him a look from Crosetti, and Meldrick is startled enough by the remark that it doesn't occur to him to ask.

* * *

They look back down to the hospital scene. It's already the second morning after the accident. Meldrick whistles, more than just a little bit surprised by this. 

"Time really does pass faster up here, doesn't it?" he asks, but receives no answer, not that he really expected one in the first place, having already received one earlier on. 

"Never figured her as being one to believe in the theory that talking to someone in a coma would make them come out of it," says Crosetti. Felton gives a derisive snort. 

"You didn't work that one case with her," he says. "I tell you, Kay was so stuck on that one theory that the ghost of the victim was giving her clues, she couldn't let it go. To this day, she's still convinced that she's right." 

"More right than you were about that case, she's the one who closed it," says Meldrick, a faint smile crossing his face at the thought of the case Felton speaks of. "Still has a perfect clearance rate, y'know." 

"There's our perfectionist," says Crosetti, shaking his head. "I tell you, one of these days, she's gotta learn how to slow down." 

"If being stuck with Lewis doesn't slow someone down, then I don't know what will," says Felton. Meldrick ignores this, and instead focuses on Kay, watching as she turns to talk to Bayliss, who's just entered the room. 

"Yeah, they'll all show up sooner or later," says Felton, "Munch and Kellerman were with her in the waiting room, and you know how it works with the shift. You'll probably even see Pembleton and Bolander." 

"Everyone always ends up back where they're supposed to be at the end of the day," says Crosetti, "Whether it's an actual physical place or somewhere like this, they all end up where they're supposed to be."

* * *

"Which means," says Felton, after a long, almost awkward silence, "That you're going to end up with her at the end of the day, no matter what, and if you piss her off and she kicks you out, odds are, she's probably going to let you back in." 

Meldrick wonders when he decided to leave it up to the other two to tell him how things were going to go, and decides that he doesn't actually want an answer to this, because somehow, it's easier to let them deal with it. 

"I'm going back to the shift, right?" he asks. "When I get out of the hospital, they're gonna let me go back to work, aren't they?" 

"Well, if you could manage to wake your ass up, sure," says Felton, "And if I gotta tell you again not to think about dying, I'm gonna deck you." 

"I'm not thinking about it," says Meldrick, even though he kind of is. "You two have any idea how much longer I'm gonna be here?" 

Crosetti looks at the watch on his wrist. "Actually, you're about to leave," he says, and then, "You give her a hug or something for us, will you?" 

But before Meldrick can actually answer this, he sees lights, and it's not because he's standing near the end of some figurative tunnel.

* * *

Kay is half-asleep when he can see properly again, but it doesn't stop him from talking to her anyway. 

"I saw your partner," he says, not surprised that it hurts to talk. She opens her eyes at once, but says nothing, waiting for him to go on, because somehow, she knows he's going to, and he does. "He sent me back home. Mind, Crosetti would've done it if Felton hadn't, but…"

He trails off, then and blinks, just barely missing the sight of her wiping at her eyes as a faint scowl that she doesn't really mean crosses her face. 

"You son of a bitch," she mutters, in a way that tells him she isn't really _angry_, just _upset_, and once it gets through to her that he'll be fine, it'll go away. "Thought I'd lost you." 

"Ain't my time yet," says Meldrick, though he isn't particularly sure of why this is. "All your fault, you know." 

"Yeah?" Kay asks, quietly, "How's that?" 

"You and everyone else down here, y'all kept saying I'm too stubborn to die, I don't have a choice, I gotta pull out of this, and I guess them other two just got tired of hearin' it." 

"They didn't wanna put up with you, either, huh?" Kay asks, unsure of where he's going with this, but not wanting to tell him that she doesn't particularly believe it. 

"Nah. Felton kept saying don't think about dying, guess he thought it'd happen if I did," says Meldrick, and closes his eyes again. Kay watches, carefully, keeping his hand in between her own, just in case. 

"Thinking makes it so, y'know," she tells him, and watches a faint smile cross his face at this. 

"Guess that's why I always end up comin' back to you, then, huh?" 


End file.
